Exactly
24 hours after my mom Has left her body The phone rings In the middle of the night Just after 4 am I am awake Anyhow Because It's all a dream Surreal Yet all too real My mom died Peacefully At home Surrounded By loved ones Period But there's more To the story What I don't know What was happening Inside of her What I do know What was happening Inside of me I arrived at 11 pm Sat with her For a bit Then Emotionally pace Myself I thought For the days Ahead So I went To the computer To catch up on My future My work With families I typed And created With half of me On her And half of me On my future Knowing That's what She wants When Her breathing Began That way I moved To the chair Crying Curled up Like a baby Feeling helpless Beyond belief For people Don't talk Dying Even For a culture Consumed With Death So I didn't know What to expect Gasping For air At every breath Her attempt To talk To communicate Something To us A need A want A final request Couldn't understand And I thought This is hell This suffering Pace Myself For 2 more days Of this I thought For sure She would Hold on I didn't think This was it The final Ritual of life But this was it I didn't know As I sat In the chair Crying In a ball Like a baby Desperate For help To help her Flooded With fear Suffering Of a loved one I could not help I sat in the chair Crying Hating the pain Of suffering Unalleviated Feeling As I did As a child Witnessing Experiencing Abuse I could not stop Helpless I would be Drowning in My own puddle Of pain Can't take it Any longer I get up Call Hospice For some help What to do What to expect The nurse was sweet And what she said I don't remember Exactly This is just What happens Or something close To that And Did I read Chapters 6 & 7 In the Hospice book On End of Life? Nope I didn't Read Chapters 6 & 7 In the Hospice book On End of Life Ill prepared I was for The Dying of My Mother I go back To the computer And the chair To part of me With her To part of me With my future To part of me With my past And then About 3:30 In the morning I read Chapters 6 & 7 In the Hospice book On End of Life So I read it And I get it The physical part The body shutting down The gasping for breath For life What happens The months Before death The weeks Before death The days Before death The hours Before death The moments Before death What happens Back To the chair I go Curled up Like a baby Still not thinking This is it Restless again Back to the book In the kitchen I read The Moments Before Death When I finish That sentence Moments Before Death Right on cue Her breathing Does Just That Changes Mellow Surrender We All Rise Around Her I hold her hand Tell her I love her We all love her Is there more? I don't know But these are Her Last Breaths Of Life Peaceful She is Finally Peaceful Finally Liberated From her Good Hard Life Even when Her Breath of Life Is gone I don't realize She is no longer With us This is it? What? How could this be? Then I see It is The end Her new beginning Now Her peace Is with her Now I can be with her Now Her pain Her suffering Is done I hold her hand Stroke Her hair Her face Offer a flower On her chest From her last bouquet And she tells me Strong and Clear Face Fear with Love And I get it The teachings Sometimes Come in the inverse The contrary Backwards As are the times And this Face Fear With Love Is her final message To me To understand What is her legacy To us Her children Her grandchildren I am In the bed Next to her Holding her hand Kissing her forehead Stroking her hair Wishing forever Was a day I stay there Until she gets cold And it's time To let go Of Life Of My Mother Dead Now So Peaceful Pure Beautiful Angelic Strong in the Love I try To keep her With us But Body changes When Spirit Is free But I try Because She is So beautiful To see To know Her now Like this As she Embodies Peace I leave Before They come To take her Because That I can't bear To see Her go Wishing We could hold Her With Us Forever And a day Can I Press Rewind On the last 12 hours Or even Back To the Eclipse So I could know These were Her last Because I didn't know Never thought Even her last breath I didn't know She was gone If I had know I only needed To be strong For 5 hours Not days I could have Done it But I didn't know Was planning For days of dying Days we didn't have So I sat With parts of me In my past In my future In her present If I had known I would Have given Her my all But I didn't I couldn't Know Wasn't meant To be She's gone Mourning Her Yes But truly Happy For her Peace For her Liberation Today I prayed For my peace With my absence Even though I was there I cried To her friends How traumatic That time was How I kept my distance From that pain When she needed me most And they said I did my best But my best Wasn't enough I can accept That truth For My mom Knows How it feels Because Her best When I was a kid Wasn't enough Either So We closed That chapter Of fear Of freezing Of Suffering Unalleviated Of pain That takes over And debilitates Unbearable That trauma Is still with me From my childhood And From the hours Before she died But The peace Did come With her last breath She set us free From the cycle Of unprotected innocence That is what she did In her passing Between Her and Creator Now we're free And the space She left Is golden Filled With a Strong Love For in her dying She is teaching me How To live How To Face Fear With Love Thanks Mama I miss You I Went To Ask You Questions Today But You Were Gone All the answers You left Them Inside of me
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Mama Megan
Hi friends, I write from the heart to tell my life story, and the story of those in my neighborhood called life. Research shows that our children's emotional & mental health is contingent upon us parents being able to tell our life story, or "coherent narrative." This is my coherent narrative, my life story in the making, with some of what I love in life too. My goal is to share my life in a way that is real, uplifting & positive- sometimes serious, sometimes fun. In my practice, I inspire parents to empowerment through reclaiming our life stories and learning respectful discipline. My work is my offering to our children- our future. Wishing you all a happy family! Archives
May 2021
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