don't get me wrong
i love pumpkins crisp air red leaves the smell of applesauce & cinnamon cooking on the stove my mom loved fall was her favorite time of year the season has its beauty a regalness an elegance that builds on summer in fall i celebrate her a sunny fall day has the best light for pictures trips to the pumpkin patch i love the earlier nights so my son gets a full 11 hours of sleep boots cozy sweaters yeah, fall is cool but i'm not gonna lie summer is my fav i cry a little inside when we're back to school heat waves are over my glow from within doesn't shine as bright i used the dryer today for the first time today in months first day i wore boots since last spring you can tell who the real oregonians are by birth or by heart those people relieved for rain and gloom not me but i'm happy the plants are happy for rain my love of the sun long days of light heat some of it is my mediterranean constitution some of it is that i've had enough gloom in my life i know what it's like gloom same reason i don't like horror movies i know scary i know evil i don't like to hang out there i don't play around with the depths of humanity fall reminds me of that a mourning of sorts reality check that we can't shine all the time a reminder to go inward to make hearth and home find peace within i imagine i'm not the only person growing up in an abusive home who's still a little scared of the dark who prefers longs days of sunlight being out of the house outdoors in nature free from oppression shining bright in the summer sun fall reminds there is always more peace to be found to make my life my home a cozy place for myself that my sun shines within more like a fireplace now this fall in particular a poignant one racial injustice global oppression breaking free from oppression withing as i push to birth my gold fall like my life the sweetness the depth the integration of the whole the picture of the whole of the seasons of my childhood of racial oppression injustices everywhere all real some too real fall reminds me to honor the depth the sad wisdom from oppression the eternal longing to be free triumph of the human spirit to find peace in the injustice of some children's homes and systemic racism but maybe i got that all wrong there's no peace in injustice only peace in justice the work towards justice freedom for all fall reminds me of my deepest longings freedom for all pumpkin spice too my mom's birthday and that summer will return the next roll of the year justice too for all the world's children i hope
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I was driving down the road.
Listening to a recording of a "law of attraction" person. I wanted I could chuck it out the window. So much for attraction. My stress levels were through the roof. I was on my way to go deal with a really triggering situation. I was exhausted. When people are experiencing the most pain, this law of attraction stuff can sometimes make matters worse. Life is as hard, as it is beautiful. The struggle is real. It's how we grow. On a good day, I can align with my positive self to attract the best in the world. And yes, I probably could use to do that more often. But on a hard day, when I'm stressed, and dealing with emotions I felt as a kid, I want to chuck Law of Attraction out the window. Why? Because during those really hard times of life, I'm not in an optimal state. The brain is either in: a thriving state or a surviving state. The optimal state of thriving is when we can learn and love, often effortlessly. When we feel good in our skin and trust in ourselves and the world around us. From a brain science perspective, this is "safety." It's when we're connected to our highest selves as people, our place of empathy, problem-solving, and sense of humor. This is an awesome place to live. We can deal with life. We see the best in one another. We feel a sense of being ok from within. Driving down the road that day, I was not in that place. I was in survival mode, in the lower centers of my brain. I was in that fight-flight mode, and I seemed to be going back and forth between the two. Law of Attraction was making it even worse. Because my negativity was real in that moment, and had to be dealt with. I couldn't just "think happy thoughts." So, what did I do? I took some breaths. Felt the sun shinning in through the window. Switched to some hip hop. Shook my head, and then sent some love to all those Law of Attraction people. I honored where I was in this moment. The harshness. The horrible feelings. Rather crazed. The absolute stress, once again. It wasn't all lovey-dovey. But I honored the choice. And opened the door to moving forward through this stressful time. I saw what I was dealing with. Gave it a "let's do this" nod. Even if I was so.sick.of.being.in.this.situation and wondering how.did.this.happen.again? I posed the question, "what would help me most right now?" And I saw it. The hole. This hole. That's keeps me bound. I'm been climbing my way out for a long time. But suddenly, there were gold steps going up the side of the hole. I saw them in my mind. Step by step, I was getting out. And with the gold, I could enjoy each step of the way. Even if it was still crazy stressful. Knowing one day, I'd be out. And until then, there was gold to enjoy. That moment in the car, everything shifted from within. Even if nothing changed on the outside. I could deal. Feel strong. I was ready. I'd given my survival mind the help it needed to get me to my thriving place. So I could deal with life, even if it wasn't perfect. *** We all struggle. Especially those of us with a history of child abuse. You didn't do anything wrong if you're struggling. It's not your fault--- it's not even about that. If you are in survival mode, focusing on being happy may help. Sometimes. Or it may make you feel more angry or sad. Most of us experience our survival mode, and our thriving mode, throughout the course of our lives. If you feel like your survival mode is taking over your day, or your life --- be gentle with yourself. You've been through a lot. Honor your struggle. It's real. Give your nod to it, in your own way. This next part may take time and practice. You may need extra help or support. Align with that part of you that yearns for more. The freedom from struggles overcome. That baby step to move you forward. To the connection to your highest self. Thriving mode. And whatever it may be for you, look for your step of gold. Your bridge of gold to help you get out of the hole, and move forward into the positive. You got this, Megan |
Mama Megan
Hi friends, I write from the heart to tell my life story, and the story of those in my neighborhood called life. Research shows that our children's emotional & mental health is contingent upon us parents being able to tell our life story, or "coherent narrative." This is my coherent narrative, my life story in the making, with some of what I love in life too. My goal is to share my life in a way that is real, uplifting & positive- sometimes serious, sometimes fun. In my practice, I inspire parents to empowerment through reclaiming our life stories and learning respectful discipline. My work is my offering to our children- our future. Wishing you all a happy family! Archives
May 2021
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