as parents today we want our children to be motivated by kindness love respect generosity peace we want to instill these high-minded values and ethics into their hearts + minds the latin root of the word discipline means "to teach" discipline doesn't mean to punish or reward discipline is the teaching of our children's inner guidance designed to be a compass to guide them throughout their entire lives yet the old system of discipline based on punishment + rewards still found in parenting approaches (and our schools, judicial system, & most workplaces) is severely out-dated understanding the history of the punishment + reward system: based on experiments from the 1960's with lab rats the punishment + reward system originated from positive and negative reinforcements which were revolutionary for the time and replaced corporal punishment so instead of "the belt" at home and the ruler over the knuckles at school children were punished with: * time-outs, * dunce caps, (thank goodness these are obsolete), * writing "I will not...." 100 times * yelling + shaming * and if a child really "deserved it" - spanking to try to stop the "bad" behavior and children were rewarded with: * gold stars, * teacher's praise, (or becoming a "teacher's pet) * parental love + acceptance ("you're mom/dad's favorite") * or candy to keep the "good" behavior going as one of the parents in our community pointed out -- the punishment + reward model is a HUGE improvement to beating children most definitely true - but punishments & rewards are still fear-based and 100% based on what works for rats' brains - not children's brains when we motivate children with a punishment or a reward we manipulate their behavior with something positive or negative from the outside (like getting or taking away device time or ice cream) this is called extrinsic motivation in the short term we may get children to change their behavior (so they get that screen time or sweet treat) but chances are behavior change doesn't happen because children want to be nicer to their sibling or learn the value of homework extrinsic motivation can be successful in the short term but research continues to show extrinsic motivation can actually decrease workplace performance and can diminish our children's internal motivation and their growth mindset in the long-term how to make the shift from extrinsic to internal motivation: educating ourselves about the research on the incredible power of using intrinsic motivation to guide and teach our children is step #1 step #2 is changing our parenting practices to develop this internal locus of control in our children in which behavior is seen for what it is just the tip of the iceberg so life learning and kindness + respect become their own reward and we're building motivation from within everyday in our children's lives what to do if you're using extrinsic motivation to parent: if you find you are depending on external motivators to get your children to cooperate it's ok! - have compassion for yourself we are all part of this positive change movement and awareness + compassion are the first keys to positive change remember fear-based parenting has been part of our dna for 500 years it will take time + collective support to change so today be a gentle observer and notice how you feel and how your children respond to punishment + rewards we'll continue building upon tools that can help you in the shift from extrinsic to intrinsic motivation (a great place to begin is checking out the highlighted concepts above in this post that will connect you to some great reading material) as always - enjoy the journey and know we're all in this together learning + growing as we go - just like our children. You Got This.
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Mama Megan
Hi friends, I write from the heart to tell my life story, and the story of those in my neighborhood called life. Research shows that our children's emotional & mental health is contingent upon us parents being able to tell our life story, or "coherent narrative." This is my coherent narrative, my life story in the making, with some of what I love in life too. My goal is to share my life in a way that is real, uplifting & positive- sometimes serious, sometimes fun. In my practice, I inspire parents to empowerment through reclaiming our life stories and learning respectful discipline. My work is my offering to our children- our future. Wishing you all a happy family! Archives
May 2021
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