Of Faith & Grace“And the day came
When the risk it took to remain tightly closed in the bud Was more painful than the risk it took to bloom. This is the element of freedom.” ~Anais Nin & Alisha Keys Sometimes I just lay down About once a week I give my body & mind time to catch up To integrate the pain And the freedom on the other side One night I watched the clock For one hour Tick Tock 3600 seconds I thought about How precious one hour of my Mom’s life is How precious one hour of my life is Your life And I watched it go by Laying on the couch Today Challenging day Not the beginning But at my mom’s Some days just are Accepting that Days when I feel like the scapegoat Poor Megsy When I take on more than is mine When I take things personal When I think I am in control Haha Haven’t I learned those lessons yet? Those deep lessons from little Meg The girl who knew it all Who could save the world Haha The only one I can save is me And from that place I am in service to others That I know But sometimes I forget Today I forgot Suddenly I can please no one And then I realize that’s not my job In the moment I can’t see it In the moment I struggled & blamed & tried to get back on top In everyone’s eyes To fix it But I can’t When I come in mid-day To mom And the Doubt Of course it’s heavy We’re all worried And stressed And there’s big decisions still to be made And we know where this is all is headed Doomsday Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooo…. That it’s not But it is deep Full of sorrow Loss Closure Final End of life And none of us want to let go So it’s easy to get scared I don’t like it when I walk in And it’s like that Scared Didn’t we take care of this? Remember the Looking Glass, Ma? And I know Life We are constant Works in progress Us humans Grace & faith Are a practice To be maintained On the daily In every moment Sunday morning was a fine example Just yesterday Things were different We woke up Connected to the place Of faith and grace It was a party An honoring Of life Of Aunt Mary Anne My cousins were coming into town My cousin and his wife And my younger cousin Who lives in their basement We were joking Before they arrived Which of her favorite nightgowns would she wear? She said, “Can I ask you a favor?” “Yes” “Would you change your sweater?” My warm wool sweater with a little hole in it Over my jammies I still needed to shower “Yeah, mom I will. I still haven’t gotten ready yet.” Made me chuckle As we had just talked about how girlie I had gotten Again I know what my mom was thinking That this was a phase Like high school My mom said she wondered when I was going to Get over it Or sick of it Or be done with it Or something like that I just smiled Because I won’t I’m not going to stop taking care of me Didn’t go into the details then The reasons How that time getting ready It's for me When I care for me When I honor my beauty within The body is a temple While it is strong Let’s love it Honor it And when it begins to fail us Let’s love it Honor it Always So we both got ready in our own way On Sunday Just yesterday When it felt like a party Maybe not a happy party But a party still As we got closer to the stairs Should I call my step-dad? “I want Colin to help me.” My sweet cousin My guy cousins Some of the best dads and hubbies Truly family men Great providers & nurturers I love these guys So honored to call them cousins "Colin..." She called Tears welled In my eyes Something About my peers Seeing cancer Aging my mom It gets me I want to protect them Because I know This part of growing up It's really hard And because Their hearts Go out to me My mom, after all Plus, my cousin and his wife They were visiting Portland Day we found out Our mom has cancer We were all together With the kids Yesterday I felt the circle Coming complete We got down the stairs I stepped into the kitchen to cry Met my step-father there And then we did What we do What our family does That Sunday Just yesterday My step-sister and her 9 month joined us I heard the Deacon stopped by Brought communion But I missed him Somehow So the Aunt Mary Anne honoring began I cooked food We talked We laughed We played games At least Phoenix did with my younger cousin The one who encouraged me Keep writing Keep blogging Thanks, cuz And then They left And I hoped they saw my mom again And we had a little break A little down time Before the celebration continued When one of my mom’s best friends and mentors arrived With another dear, old friend From the Sacred Heart Days They laughed My mom was pretty darn funny Her dry sense of humor They told stories Laughed and laughed Caught my mom up on school news I edited writing Listened with one open ear + an open heart. Then another break And I lingered Not wanting to go And then we went on our way Me & Phoenix With my mom awaiting one more special evening visitor Another old family friend We are blessed by our loved ones My mom is so blessed Loved That was our Sunday Beautiful Sad, yes But beautiful State of grace where I want my mom to be held Supported on her journey But sometimes she is far From that state From me Or I am far from her When I am far from me Like today When I walked through the door And I could feel The fear and anxiety I got swirled in Lost in the downward spiral And then we’re all flailing And I am the little girl lost once more Angry I am not being shown the way Angry I don’t have the support & respect I need To bloom Angry at myself For I can’t get the big picture Then I cry I hang my head I fall I get angry Today After I felt too much criticism I sat and ate my dinner With old friends Then I know my mom is no longer asleep upstairs I can feel her She needs me And I find her In pain, cold, and hungry I cover her up Reheat her dinner Give her a pill from the Monday pm box The one I think is her pain pill A half hour later we realize The pain pill is still in the box But tonight placebo kicked in Or rather Faith and Grace Returned to us And we talk About the day About how she doesn’t want Me to whisper On the phone In the kitchen with my sister About her Ok, mom I can do that I probably don’t even say I can do that I probably explain why I did it Justify myself Because That’s the type of daughter I am But I do it sweetly And from the heart Because she’s still my mom And I have needs too While she’s here She gets to be my mom sometimes Even though I feel More like the mom sometimes A part of me always has But we love each other All we can do The best With what we were given The best we can With our past Find the peace That comes with Faith and Grace And wait for the freedom And we talk about the issues of the day Her day with cancer Because every day it’s different Sometimes it’s the body Sometimes it’s the mind Always the spirit Some days all three Always the spirit For this is why I am really here with her To prepare her to go home to God to Heaven If that’s what she believes To meet Creator To be One with the Divine To feel worthy and ready To be FREE To do that I help ease her body & mind The pain she carries there To nurture For this dying It’s all part of life And I will do my best to see She has dignity In this last bit Of her time with us Midwife for the Dying I always thought that was a beautiful term And know I understand It is beautiful So don’t fret, mother Of course Unless you need to Because we all need to Sometimes I did tonight But let it get you closer To that state of grace Where you are held By God Because That’s where you’re going Where there’s no fear So let’s be ready Get our best night gown on Get out of our hole-y sweaters And feel like the women we are Beautiful in our own way While there’s still time The party The celebration Where we laugh Cry Laugh til we cry Honor Love Where we have faith We trust in life And what’s beyond this life Beyond good and bad Beyond happy and sad You’re getting closer Closer to God Have Faith It’s what we got Held by Grace So we had our peace Our closure for the night Tonight I only leave When I’ve said What I need to When I can look Back at the night And feel content If this was our last night Together I say my goodbyes Hug and kiss I get ready Me & my son All our stuff And I check in Again To make sure To remind her to call Me or my sister When she needs to talk Any time of night If her dreams wake her If she just needs to talk To process As she gets ready Tying up loose ends It’s a big journey The journey to freedom Tonight As Phoenix and I pull into the driveway Of the very good people We are staying with Five deer Walk across the neighbor’s lawn I haven’t seen Five deer In the wild Ever before It was a big group Powerful Majestic in the snow and night On the trek To find their nourishment Gentle & Strong Strong in their Gentleness Gentle in their Strength I saw My mom With her four children Safe together On their journey Coming together In the beginning of spring For the final days In this winter of life Before we bloom Into what is next Here We Go All Together Now Into the Freedom xoxo
8 Comments
Toni Ferguson
3/25/2014 07:54:27 am
Megan, thank you for sharing this-so powerful and raw and human and profound. This is such an amazing, difficult and transforming journey. You and Phoenix have my love.
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Mama Megan
3/26/2014 11:19:42 pm
Thanks, Toni. So very much, my dear Scappoose friend.
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mary kate rinko
3/25/2014 08:01:56 am
Well, sweet Megan! You've done it again - let us in to share your
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Mama Megan
3/26/2014 11:20:35 pm
Thanks to our dear angel, Mrs. Rinko. You support is heavenly. :)
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Frank
3/26/2014 10:53:41 pm
Awesome, beautiful and powerful piece. WoW is all I can say.
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Mama Megan
3/26/2014 11:21:17 pm
Thanks, Frank for the support and for being my writing buddy. :)
Reply
4/29/2014 12:08:59 pm
Megan, I love this. Your writing style reminds me of my own; casual yet prose-y. Just beautiful.
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Mama Megan
4/29/2014 01:17:52 pm
Thanks, Marissa for reading & sharing. Would love to read your writing. :)
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Mama Megan
Hi friends, I write from the heart to tell my life story, and the story of those in my neighborhood called life. Research shows that our children's emotional & mental health is contingent upon us parents being able to tell our life story, or "coherent narrative." This is my coherent narrative, my life story in the making, with some of what I love in life too. My goal is to share my life in a way that is real, uplifting & positive- sometimes serious, sometimes fun. In my practice, I inspire parents to empowerment through reclaiming our life stories and learning respectful discipline. My work is my offering to our children- our future. Wishing you all a happy family! Archives
May 2021
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